I remember the notion of when very clearly. “When I am pregnant .” Motherhood felt like a choice I had control over. In the same sense I had flipped the switch to no for all of those years via birth control methods, I could surely switch it to yes when I was ready. The idea of “IF I can get pregnant” had not occurred to me.
Never would I have imagined my journey to being a mom would entail what it did. Six years of trying every possible avenue. Going from monthly excited anticipation in the beginning, when everything was natural, to tracking ovulation, to a battery of never ending tests and scans, to IUI, IVF, and ultimately IVF with donor egg, which blessed me with my son. It was a test of my faith, self-worth, and resilience. A test I couldn’t study harder to pass. I just had to move through it. Follow what felt like a never-ending twisted path to an unknown ending I couldn’t write for myself.
Every Mother’s Day I think of the women out there waiting in the wings for their story to have a successful conclusion. I see every one of you, and I hold a special place in my heart for you. I remember the pain. Feeling like I was on an island apart from my friends who all had children. Grinning through tears when I would hear each pregnancy announcement. Eyeing their necklace charms engraved with their children’s initials. Feeling like I was letting down my husband who wanted to be a father, my parents who wanted to be grandparents - each Mother’s Day was a measure of time. Another year. And still no pregnancy. Wondering if it was still a when at all, or if it would always be an if.
For anyone reading this who is still waiting for this to be your day, I want you to know how much I applaud your courage and strength. You deserve a day too. You deserve a thousand days for what you’re going through. We may not all know each other, but we are a sisterhood. And you have many sisters standing by you. Rooting for you. Sending you strength.
I know you don’t have the ending to your story yet. And I want you to know I know that’s scary. But your story WILL come to a place that brings you to the other side of this journey and back into the light. And that can look many different beautiful ways.
My hope is that these words can offer you some love and support, to let you know you are not alone. I am in your cheering section on Sunday. And every day.